My God. I’m Finally Free!

 

 

A few years ago, I had flown out West to meet with a client.

We had been working together on the telephone for some time.

I recall the first few sessions we had on the telephone. He couldn’t clearly articulate what exactly it is that he wanted, or why it is that he sought me out.

He would only say, “I’m not sure what exactly it is, but there is something that just pulls me toward you. There’s something here, I just know it.”

And after several months, he wanted to tell me something. And he wanted to tell it to me face to face.

It is actually the norm that we as human beings don’t really know what we want. It is a very difficult and dangerous question.

It is difficult because the things we want are not at all what we want. They are just surrogates for something more fundamental. They are simply avenues for getting to the Real Want.

And it is dangerous because once we discover and, then articulate, what we really want, then we feel compelled to pursue it. There’s no going back.

For once something is spoken, it becomes real.

When I went to visit with this individual, we were sitting in his garden amidst a lovely backdrop of hazy mountains in the distance. He liked to drink tea with his left hand even though he was right-handed, and as he took a sip and set down the cup, he said, “Something has happened to me, Kapil.”

“What’s that?” I said.

“Four months ago, my third partner embezzled $2.7 million dollars from me.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that.”

He looked at me started to laugh.

“Why are you laughing?” I asked.

“You’re not sorry at all,” he said.

“What do you mean?”

“I can see it in your eyes, Kapil. What I told you doesn’t really sound like a big deal, does it?’

“I’m trying to sympathize for you, my friend.”

“That’s just it, you’re TRYING! Don’t get me wrong, Kapil. I’m not saying that you don’t regret that this happened to me. What I’m saying is that it’s this quality that I saw in you when we first spoke on the phone.”

At this juncture, I wasn’t quite sure if he was angry with me, or if he was praising me. I didn’t know if I had helped him, or hurt him.

Relations with human beings are the most subtle, nuanced, and complex interactions in existence. And I’ve learned to stay quiet and allow things to play themselves out.

He continued, “I remember the exact moment that I found out that he was embezzling money from me. I was sitting on the 32^nd floor and the sun was incredibly bright coming through the window to the side of me. It was one of those surreal moments that you tend never to forget. You remember every detail. It’s like a snapshot in time. You know what I’m saying?”

“Absolutely.”

“I was shocked by the news. But a few minutes after the shock, I became very joyful about something. Obviously, I wasn’t joyful about having lost almost $3 million dollars. What I was joyful about was that I didn’t feel angry or depressed or, really anything.”

“Please continue,” I said.

“It’s very strange. It sound almost crazy. But I became joyful at the fact that I didn’t get angry or depressed. It was almost like this terrible thing was happening to someone else. At first I thought that maybe it was sort of a denial. But the rest of the day, the rest of the week, I just went about doing the things I needed to do to pick up the pieces of the misfortune. Very calm. Very relaxed. Very smoothly. It was unbelievable.”

“Go on,” I said.

“You remember when we talked on the phone for the very first time, I had no idea what I wanted?”

“I remember.”

“This is going to sound completely crazy, but I finally found out what I wanted. But I found out what I wanted only After I got it. That’s crazy, isn’t it?”

“Nothing is linear. And logic is overrated,” I said.

“If this had happened to me a year ago, I would have been completely devastated. If I’m honest, it really wouldn’t have affected me financially because fortunately I would have been able to absorb the loss quite easily. But the idea that someone stole from me on this big of a scale . . . it would have put me into weeks of depression and sadness and retaliation and revenge and anger and all those things. You know?”

“Certainly, I understand.”

“But when I heard this, it just didn’t bother me. And when that happened, I had a reaction to this reaction. I was like, Oh my God, how can I feel so calm? This is amazing. I’m not bothered by it. I’ll do whatever needs to be done. But I’m just not bothered by it. And now that I think about it, even small conflicts and incidences around the house don’t bother me anymore. They just don’t. Oh my God, I’m finally free.”

I smiled and asked him to continue.

“Kapil, now that I look back, this is exactly what I wanted. Even though I couldn’t spell it out. But I only knew I wanted it after I actually got it. Now I know, and now I can say it. I guess what I’ve always wanted is to not be bothered by anything. You sometimes talk about this in your discourses. You call it “Untouched.” Yes, untouched. I always wanted to be remain Untouched no matter what happens. And I can honestly say, that this is True Freedom. I feel free from my emotions. You call it freedom From the mind. But I never knew what that meant. But I call it Freedom from my inner anxiety. And Freedom from my emotions. This is the way to live, man. It feels so ridiculously amazing. I’ll never go back. Never in my whole life!”