A Conversation With The Mind

He said . . .

. . . but I realize that my life is headed like a freight train toward a cataclysm that will be the end of me.

The mind keeps indulging in its swath of emotion. It sits and slops in its pool of unabated emotion.

And I have become so complicit in its like and dislikes that I have made them my own. Not only made them my own, but I have actually worn them as an emblem.

But I do not know any other way to be. For this is the way I have always lived. How can a man suddenly change?

Oh, but it is not about change but understanding.

Perhaps even more powerful and expedient than understanding is the feeling of being fed up. Of being at wit’s end. Of no longer caring what is holy or unholy or spiritual or non-spiritual or right or wrong or good or bad or moral or immoral.

But simply having had enough.

I no longer want to be here, he said.

I no longer want this life.

I’ve grown tired of myself. I’ve had enough of my impulses and the predictable reactions.

I want to experience something new. And I no longer want to experience it as myself.

No, he said. No longer myself. I’m tired of looking at this man in the mirror. I now know that he is an apparition.

I don’t want his hopes. I don’t want his dreams.

I simply want to live, he said. I don’t want to live FOR anything. I just want to live.

And don’t tell me to be in the moment. Because when you tell me this it reminds me that I’m not in the moment to begin with. And you telling me to be in the moment only makes it an idea and takes me even further from it.

I don’t want procedures. Or techniques. Or methods. Because these are all traps. And these traps will keep me firmly entrenched as the ME I wish to escape.

His mind asked him, “So who is it that you want to be?”

He replied with tears in his eyes, “Oh mind. You have tormented my every waking moment for all of my adult life. You have shown me visions of becoming someone. And it is not all your fault. For I fueled your pursuits with ambition in my eyes.”

But now I say firmly, Oh mind. That the person who I long to be is no person at all.

What I long for most is to hear footsteps as I walk down the halls of this house and wonder to whom they belong.

What I long for most is to be rid of this Someone I’ve become.

What I want more than anything in this world is to be a Nobody.

Put more precisely, what I want is to be the Absence of a Somebody, for a Nobody may also be a solid persona. And I no longer have any interest in being a solid persona.

I want to float through life like a cloud.

I do not want good behavior or bad behavior. I want no behavior at all. I want to be beyond behavior.

If you extend your arm to touch my chest, I want your arm to pass right through me.

I want more than anything to Disappear.

And in disappearing, I will be Free.

In disappearing, I will become God.

God, not in a Kingly sense. But God in an ever present, non-imposing ethereal sense.

Mind, I will not ask you to leave me alone. For I realize that if I do, the person who will be asking this will be a solidified persona. And I no longer wish to be that.

I know that with the death of me, will come the death of you.

For it is I who gave birth to you. And it is I who must destroy you.

And it is Vintage nature to so ingeniously create a human spirit in such a way that the only way that it can have peace is to become a Nobody.

That which exists, exists in misery.

And that which chooses to stop existing lives in Unshakeable Peace.

The time has now come to say goodbye.

And open my eyes for the very first time . . .

So that I may see all that I have missed for so many years.